May I Have This (Grave)Dance?

Ever watch a film that was made when you were an adult--legal to vote, legal to drink, college degree long in hand--and realize that was almost 20 years ago? That 2006, which I swear was just last week, was actually not one, but nearly TWO decades in the past? 

Children have since been born, gone through puberty, released pop albums, learned technology far better than us elderly ever will. You can watch The Gravedancers and flinch at the weird blue gray pallor that coats your frames and cackle at the CGI not because it's a fairly low budget horror movie, but because it's actually from a DIFFERENT AGE.

This is important. Maybe it's my way of not making this all about how old I feel, but remembering that this was a completely ancient ERA of genre film really helps frame your watch. 

Quick Plot: Harris is a successful lawyer trying to start a family with loving wife Allison. Life is interrupted by the death of a college pal, which reunites Harris with his two best pals from back in the day: Sid, whose primary post-university high point seems to be maintaining status as a functioning alcoholic, and Kira, who has clearly never stopped loving the very moved-on Harris. 

The trio go out for drinks and decide to continue their mourning at the gravesite of the deceased. Any worries that this is in bad taste are quickly pushed away when Sid finds a black envelope conveniently resting on a nearby stone. In it contains a poem all about living in the moment and what a joy it is to dance upon graves. Surely it's a sign that they should, you know, gravedance!

Harris returns to a rightfully displeased Allison and understandably does NOT tell her about his evening festivities (especially since they enjoyed a kiss or two with Kira). Very soon, that becomes the least of their problems as the couple begins to experience ghostly activity. Kira and Sid have similar experiences, leading them to a pair of pre-Ghosthunters being a thing ghosthunters Vincent and Frances to help stop the haunting before it becomes deadly. 

Frances is thrilled with the chance to gather real evidence of paranormal activity (note: we're still several years away from Paranormal Activity). A little digging turns up the obvious: dancing on graves will unleash the ghosts of those inhibiting said dance floor. Naturally, these particular ghosts were homicidal maniacs: pyromaniac child, rapist judge, and axe-wielding piano teacher. 

Directed by Mike Mendez, The Gravedancers is a film that ages oddly...even as you watch it. For the first act, I found myself cackling at the typical aughtsness of fairly awful, very dumb young(ish) people making terrible choices with every breath. The ghosts seemed silly, the dialogue even siller. But at some point, something started clicking into place. Mendez has since gone on to make some successful outright horror comedies, and while The Gravedancers isn't a laughfest, the film has a sly sense of humor. The cast is far sharper than they initially seem, and even the Beetlejuice by way of Bava-y monster makeup becomes, at times, kind of creepy. 

The Gravedancers grew on me. It's a standard ghost story with some specific twists, executed with deceptive intelligence by Mendez and his screenwriters Brad Keene and Chris Skinner. I don't know that I'll ever watch it again or work hard to recommend it, but I ultimately enjoyed myself. This is VERY far from great, but it's never boring, and more importantly, never takes itself too seriously. 

High Points

Once our cursed dummies gather in one place, The Gravedancers really hits its stride in terms of timing and momentum. The finale is both funny and scary and yes, looks pretty terrible at times, but really helps to up the energy

Low Points

I know, I know: CGI did not look very good on a low budget in 2006. But I'd forgotten just HOW not good it was. Pair that with the weird gray-blue tint this streaming version has and it makes for a fairly ugly watch

Lessons Learned

I have yet to heed this, but The Gravedancers is just one more reminder that in any supernatural disaster, the ability to drive stick may save your life

Yes, it's irresponsible to be in your 30s and drunkenly party in a graveyard, thus inviting murderous spirits onto your trail, but the REAL culprit in this haunting is the wife who decided to not spend time with your awkward college love triangle and went home, thus opening the door for you to drunkenly party in a graveyard in the first place

Setting your film in a graveyard is a great trick for directors looking to take home a prop that includes their name

Does the Cat Die?

No! because apparently, the feline actor was a jerk who scratched Clare Kramer (AN ACTUAL [BUFFYVERSE] GOD) and was fired from production. So don't worry!

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you can forgive the fact that this movie looks like it was dropped in a puddle and brushed off, there's a fair amount of fun to be had with The Gravedancers. It's dumb, but in a smart way. It's currently streaming on Amazon Prime in its muddy glory. 

Screen Your Contestants

 

I'm notoriously not someone who savors a genre film ripped from the headlines. I like to revel in the horror of fictional creations, not watch a retelling of a real person's pain. 

That being said, Woman of the Hour held a certain appeal for two reasons: 1) as the directorial debut of Anna Kendrick, an actress I've always found to be particularly fascinating onscreen and 2) this is a damn weird story.

Quick Plot: Sheryl is a struggling actress trudging through disappointing audition after disappointing audition in LA. When her agent books her a fairly thankless spot on The Dating Game, she reluctantly fluffs her hair and ekes out a charming smile to take on her bachelors. 

Bachelor #3 is Rodney, a free-spirited photographer who easily trumps his fellow contestants by showing a quick wit and sensitive side. It's ironic because, you know, Rodney also happens to be a serial killer who targets vulnerable young women. 

Throughout Woman of the Hour, we see Rodney over the course of several years in his murder spree. As a photographer, he has a quick in for many aspiring models. As a fairly nondescript, good-looking man, he can also find his way in the right place at the right time. There are brushes with the authorities over the years, but even an audience member named Laura recognizing the man on stage as the last person seen with her dead friend can be written off by dubious male detectives. 

Meanwhile, Sheryl finds some form of strength on live TV when she decides to give the horribly sexist cue cards an on-the-fly rewrite. It doesn't please the host, but it brightens the female hair and makeup team's day. After the show, she grabs a drink with Rodney and gets a glimmer of just what kind of man he might be.

Woman of the Hour has a lot on its mind, but its primary theme is incredibly strong. We live in a patriarchal society, and with that comes horrors both great and small. You're usually the person with the least power in any room. Oh, and if you're alone in the room with the wrong man of power, he might do some terrible things. 

In discussing her directorial debut, Anna Kendrick referenced the famous Margaret Atwood quote that sums up quite a lot of her film: men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them. 

In Woman of the Hour, we see both happen, and more importantly, we see intelligent, quick-thinking women save their own lives by being incredibly cautious to not laugh (or scream). It's not a great place to live. Earlier in the film, we see how Sheryl's people-pleasing puts her in the wrong situations. She sleeps with a neighbor she clearly doesn't care much for simply because she feels bad for leading him on. It's not comparable to Rodney brutalizing his victims, but there's a straight line to how he's able to put himself alone in an apartment with one who has to nicely ask him to leave before meeting her death.

These are lines we toe, and Kendrick shows a lot of skill in bluntly putting it out there without directly saying the quiet part out loud. Ian McDonald's script was clearly on the blacklist for good reasons, and Kendrick seemed to be the perfect match. Much like The Shining Girls, the emphasis is ultimately on the women, never reveling in Rodney's violence. We see what we have to in order to understand the weight of this man. But this is not his story.

High Points

This kind of dead girl narrative can be rough, but there is a key light to some of the interactions between the female characters that helps lend the film a certain heart. It's a tiny moment, but a small nod between Sheryl and a waitress helps to remind the audience that you're not always alone

Low Points

While I think the sideline story of Laura recognizing Rodney and dealing with her own frustrations does a lot to fuel the gaslight, it also never quite gels with the rest of the film

Lessons Learned

Always know the fake number you're giving out to creeps

When moving into an NYC walkup, do everything in your power to make sure you hear that mover ring the doorbell. It's literally the difference between life and death (in this case) or life and a very strained back

Rent/Bury/Buy

I'm sure there are multiple documentaries about Rodney Alcala, and I'll never watch any of them because much like this film, I don't care about this man. Woman of the Hour probably plays with the facts to make its narrative move, but it does so to explore the way women navigate the violence of men. It's thoughtful, dark, and weirdly entertaining in ways that I'm still kind of playing around with in my head. This is another movie that I'll likely revisit with a different lens sometime down the road. Find it on Netflix.

When You Marry Into a Golem Family

There's a certain kind of new horror film, particularly the kind released on Shudder, that seems to activate the fan community to immediate battle. "It's SO good!" tweets one side, while the exes back with "a waste of time." 

Naturally, these are the movies I feel most compelled to jump into. WHICH SIDE WILL I FALL ON?

Let's see where Oddity lands me.

Quick Plot: Dr. Ted Timmins has moved his wife Dani to an isolated fixer upper where the nearest landmark is the asylum he heads. One evening, with Ted at work, a strange man named Olin sporting one glass eye (and one that's not made of glass, in case that wasn't clear) approaches Dani's door to warn that someone is in the house. Like most sane people, Dani isn't eager to trust the man she (righly) suspects of being her husband's mental patient into her home. But it does seem like there are knocks coming from downstairs...

We don't see what happens just then, but we quickly learn that was a very bad night for Mrs. Timmins. She was found dead, with Olin convicted of her murder and sentenced back to the same asylum where he later met his own brutal death. Ted does the husbandly duty of bringing Olin's glass eye to his twin sister-in-law Darcy, a blind clairvoyant with poor social skills. She takes him up on his polite, poorly defined invitation for dinner by showing up at his home on the anniversary of Dani's death. 

It's the kind of day that would normally be reserved for remembrance, but Ted has moved on and his new girlfriend Yana moved in. Darcy ignores the not-so-obvious social cues and insists on staying the night, even though Ted has to go back to work. Yana's keys have mysteriously disappeared just as Darcy's special delivery arrived so it's ladies night at the murder house.

Well, there is the golem. 

Yana is hardly the most likable woman in Ireland, but anyone can sympathize with the horrors of entertaining a kooky psychic sister of your boyfriend's dead wife lugging a human-sized wooden man with holes in his lead full of blood vials and teeth. I won't go too much further in detailing the story of Oddity, but it progresses in both strange and shockingly normal ways. 

Written and directed by Caveat's Damian McCarthy, Oddity is a sharply made genre film that looks and sounds quite good. Ted's asylum is hauntingly lit, while the strangely laid out country home always feels slightly wrong. The performances are top notch and the score keeps the mood just right.

So which team did that put me on? Like many a polarizing new horror film, I find myself ultimately sitting on the sidelines. Oddity is good. It's a story that feels somewhat new, but quickly becomes a bit predictable, right down to the final shot. I don't know where else it really could have gone, but there was something missing by the time I reached the end. It's possible that I was too intrigued by Carolyn Bracken's Darcy and simply wanted more. Made for a low budget, Oddity is the kind of film that certainly makes me say, "can't wait to see what this guy can do with more resources." I guess I hope those include something more ambitious?

High Points

As much as I may be complaining about the smallness of Oddity, there is a very impressive tightness to the storytelling. By the time you reach the end, you realize that virtually EVERY piece of it --both physical props and throwaway lines of dialogue -- had some kind of meaning to tie everything together. You know what? I think I liked this movie more than I first thought

Low Points

While I like where Oddity takes Yancy in the end, I do find myself wanting a little more. Then again, I've said that about all the women in this film so maybe that was one of the keys I found missing 

Lessons Learned

Who needs security cameras when you can curse your inventory?

The more poorly run an asylum, the less questions asked

Always keep a charcuterie board ready, even (or especially) if you live in a remote with few chances of visitors

Rent/Bury/Buy

I liked Oddity, but definitely wanted more out of that. That being said, as I sit back and reflect on it, I'm realizing that McCarthy is a very skillful filmmaker. I'll certainly check out Caveat one of these days, and keep an eye on his future. 

A Dream Is a Wish Your Tapeworm Makes

There's a reckoning every elder millennial must make with the fact that a giant chunk of her childhood entertainment celebrated physical beauty above all else. We've all had our deep revisionist Barbie era, but if you, like me, were in part raised by clamshell VHS cases containing animated Disney fairy tales, it's sometimes jarring to realize just how many of these stories hinged on the gorgeous girl getting her (often) silent man.

Cinderella is one of the worst offenders. Yes, our heroine is at least nice (we know this because animals like her) but the way that film juices every ounce of ickiness out of its physically less appealing villainesses is, to a 21st century eyeball, kind of gross.

So bring on the revisionist horror adaptations!  

Quick Plot: Elvira (the wonderful Lea Myren) is your typical awkward teen girl, fishing chocolate out of her braces and fantasizing a poetry-filled life with Germany's most eligible bachelor: Prince Julian. Her prospects seem to improve when her widowed mother Rebekka marries a baron, but the celebration is short-lived. Not only does the groom die before digesting his own wedding cake, but his beautiful daughter Agnes quickly reveals that their household like Elvira's, is broke. 

Rebekka despairs, but Elvira sees opportunity when the prince announces an upcoming ball to choose his bride. Surely some charm school, a little nose job, and a quick round of orthodontic work can take her to the crown?

If you thought dieting was rough in your lifetime, imagine how much worse it was a few hundred years earlier. Tapeworms crawled so Ozempic could run.

Elvira works hard to transform her awkwardness into a conventional beauty, losing as much weight as she does hair and even more of her very own soul. Younger sister Alma watches in horror, hiding her own menstruation to stay as far away from balls and betrothments as possible. With her blond hair and perfect face, Agnes is assumed to be the most likely princess but her secret tryst with the stable boy sends her down to the bottom of the social pile. 

With less competition and a newly thin physique, Elvira inches closer to winning the prince. But Agnes still has a fairy godmother, magical pumpkin, and friendly silkworm tailors to steal the day.

The Ugly Stepsister is the debut of Norwegian filmmaker Emilie Blichfeldt, and what a statement it makes. To make your first film as a period fairy tale with body horror elements no one has ever seen before is quite a swing, and Blichfeldt is positively roaring with technique. She's aided by incredible photography and costuming, making The Ugly Stepsister feel as rich as something like Marie Antoinette. 

Bilchfeldt has also written an appropriately wicked script. It's hard to not draw comparisons to Coralie Farget's The Substance, another deeply female-driven flipped fairy tale about just how horrific it is to internalize society's arbitrary and impossible beauty standards. Like The Substance, The Ugly Stepsister is aggressively visceral with a dark sense of humor about how far women will go to reach their ideal. 

I really enjoyed The Ugly Stepsister whilst watching, but a few days later, I find myself loving it. There's a lot to ponder in terms of its themes, which seem easy on the basic level but are far more complex the more you dig. And along the way, we get absolutely vile body horror from a female lens. It's exactly my kind of movie. 

High Points

I won't spoil it, but by golly did I find Elvira and Alma's ending to be satisfying

Low Points

And here I will SPOIL, so skip until you've watched:

It's only in the final moments that I came to truly understand the real villain of the piece. Maybe this will be clearer on (an almost guaranteed) second viewing, but it's ultimately Rebekka who seems to take on the bulk of responsibility for the terrible things Elvira puts herself through. The freedom Elvira and Alma ultimately find in living poor lives as happy hags (I say this with extreme affection) is something they have to grab away from this woman who has forced them to follow the same hateful doctrine she has modeled her own unhappy, if aesthetically pleasing life upon. Sure, Julian and his royal friends are shallow jerks for how they view woman, but to do the same from the inside like Rebekka is something much, much worse. I think there's a way to watch The Ugly Stepsister with this in mind and find a richer experience. We'll see next time.

Lessons Learned

There's no better consolation than chocolate

If you're marrying for money, check your intended's bank account before putting on that ring

Rotting barn corpses are fertile breeding grounds for fairy godmothers

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Ugly Stepsister isn't a complete masterpiece, but it's an incredible debut, and one that makes me wildly excited for Emilie Blichfeldt's future. This is such a rich, gross, funny, and gloriously twisted tale that it's an immediate recommend. Find it on Shudder and live happily ever after.

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Lawn

Parody is easy to do, and very difficult to do well. Not every songwriter can be Weird Al, and not every The Fast & the Furious spoof can reach the glorious heights of Superfast!

Seriously, trust me on this one.

Today's film is an unusual entry in the '80s horror canon: a straight-out remake of Jaws by way of a golf course being terrorized by a lawn mower. No, it doesn't reach the heights of Eat It, but you know what? 

This is something special.

Quick Plot: Two horny teenagers sneak away from their friends' bonfire to make out in the fields of Tall Grass Country Club, only to discover there are things far scarier than STDs. Cue the credits as done in the POV style of Police Squad but as, you guessed it, a killer lawnmower. 

It's business as usual at Tall Grass, even after a dues-paying member is slaughtered in a similarly mysterious manner. Golf trainers Kelly and Roy (nothing coincidental about that name) are suspicious, especially after Mal the caddy also turns up in pieces. Still, there's a golf tournament to be played and the mayor--er, property owner--is not to be dissuaded. The show must go on. 

Blades is a silly, silly movie. Mal's widow shows up in full Mrs. Kintner drag to slap Roy. When a wayward lawnmower is discovered and thought to be the killer, there's a glorious shot of the proud hunters hanging the bag high and slicing it to reveal...leaves, nothing but leaves. Which means THE KILLER IS STILL OUT THERE.

And yes, the killer is a lawnmower. If Blades has a flaw, it's that we never really get much insight into just why such a machine would choose this moment to hack its way through this stuffy rich community, though the fact that our victims are mostly rich white jerks might in itself be a justifiable motivation. 

There is nothing overly grand about Blades. It's fully aware of its own stupidity and absolutely dedicated to being pure entertainment. Considering all of the unofficial Jaws knockoffs--everything from sue-able Orca to transferring the threat to Piranha--the fact that director Thomas R. Rondinella cleverly moved the formula to something as dumb, but genuinely violent as a sentient lawnmower is in itself something special. That his film is backed up by earnest performances and a true understanding of Jaws's key moments really lets this hit home. 

High Points

There's almost a Simpsons-esque aura around the idiotic townspeople who can't listen to a word of reason without breaking down into a violent mob. With our rightly leads playing their drama straight, the utter silliness of the supporting characters keeps Blades somehow perfectly balanced. And yes, I'm saying all of this about a Jaws parody starring a killer lawnmower

Low Points

It might be unfair to compare the then-novel Blades to another 40 years of Jaws parody, but it does feel a tad disappointing for a blatant parody to not always cash in on the best moments. Where's our chalkboard scrape, our singalong-gone-wrong? Picky, I know. But there are only so many Jaws parodies about killer lawnmowers, and I want each one to be all it can be

Lessons Learned

You know it's bad when the 19-year-old EMT says it's the worst he's ever seen

Being a caddy and naming your dog Caddy is a life choice rife for confusion

Once formed, bad habits are hard to break

Rent/Bury/Buy

Blades is good dumb fun, and perfect for the lighter summer season. Oddly enough, its current home is Peacock. Have a good time.