Take Five

 

I don't really consider myself a completist, but there are some pockets of pop culture that feel wrong not to master. 

Case in point: a seemingly endless horror franchise centered on murderous children.

This is my bread and butter! Or more appropriately, this is my butter-slathered corn!

I have a deep affection for 1984's Children of the Corn, a film I grew up watching far too often. Every member of my family has, at one point in time, randomly deepened their voice to moan, "Malachaiiiiiiii". It's just what you did in the Intravia household.

We rented the first sequel as soon as it came to our local video store. Some decades ago, I tried to continue on and did manage to watch parts III (the city one with Charlize Theron) and IV (the dull one with Naomi Watts) and eventually got back on track with the late aughts remake and must-remake-quickly-to-retain-rights sequels. I rather enjoyed the most recent, fairly dumb one. And with the smell of fall in the air and my 4-on-1 Blu Ray on my shelf, I figured it was time to dive into the installments I missed.

Quick Plot: A young boy named Ezekiel is alone in the cornfields when he stumbles on some kind of entity that Care Bear stares some kind of green laser at his body. One year later, a couple is bemoaning their disappointing crops when Ezekiel comes to visit, laser levitating the man and summoning his friends to murder the woman with sharp farm tools. Welcome to Gatlin!

The next day (maybe? what is time?), a horrid college age couple are driving through town when they stop to get hacked to death by the same kids. Their four friends are a few miles behind and crash into some corn, derailing their ill-defined plans to scatter their late pal's ashes. 

The group swings by a bar manned by stunt coordinator Kane Hodder. Allison is shaken when she learns that the children one town over are under the sway of cult leader Luke, who preaches the word of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. That's the same entity Allison's younger brother Jacob ran away from home to follow, and feeling guilty for abandoning him to their abusive alcoholic father, she decides to track him down.

Things go as well as you'd expect for a quartet of young people stranded in a rural town where children murder trespassers and sacrifice themselves to an eternal flame burning in a silo. 

Allison reunited with Jacob, discovering that he's about to be both a father and human sacrifice. Depressed friend Kir (played by the camera-ready Eva Mendez in her film debut) finds herself drawn to the peace of the kids' religion while Tyrus and Greg (Alexis Arquette!) try to help Allison save her brother. Sheriff Fred Williamson is of little help.

Well, he does achieve some kind of gruesome brain melding with cult leader Luke, but it ends in both of their faces being melted off, so draw?

As you probably can guess by the fact that this is the fifth installment and third straight-to-video Children of the Corn, Fields of Terror is not a particularly good movie. But remember folks, we're in a different realm here, and standards must instead be held to whether this is a good Children of the Corn direct-to-video sequel.

Good? What is good? Who can say. 

Fun? Did I have fun? Yes damnit, I did. 

The soap operatic soundtrack anytime a character got thoughtful. The way children narrowing their eyes was all you need to establish their homicidal nature. Wondering if seeing David Carradine sitting in a chair, delivering some word salad testament is what made Quentin Tarantino say, "that's my (Kill) Bill!" Director Ethan Wiley probably made a better movie with House II: The Second Story, but you know what? This is the film of his that I'll watch again.

High Points

It was a nice "that makes sense" moment to see Kane Hodder's name pop up in the credits as Stunt Coordinator, since a lot of the actual violence and horror elements work decently for, you know, the third straight-to-video installment of a never-great franchise

Low Points

Most of the Children of the Corn movies live and die on the creepiness of their primary young villain. Think of the strange unearthliness of John Franklin's Isaac or the soulless eyes of Courtney Gains' Malachi. Unfortunately, young Adam Wiley just doesn't have the evil spark you want here. Could I buy him as the kind of kid who would tuck his chewing gum under a desk or place a whoopie cushion on his teacher's chair? Sure. Do I believe he could lead a cult of homicidal minors? Sadly not.

Lessons Learned

Don't get your hopes up: you won't find a 7/11 at the end of the world

The definition of "a couple of beers" can mean half of one

Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Should one invest any effort in securing and watching Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror? No, I'm not cruel enough to suggest such things. But if one happened to buy a four-pack Blu Ray that has this one on it, and 90 minutes to kill whilst laying out this week's grocery list and catching up on crossword puzzles, then yes, this here is certainly a decent way to pass more time.

That's a Lotta London

 

Much like killer dolls or apocalypses, there's an undeniable appeal of watching genre movies taking a spin on The Most Dangerous Game. There are plenty of ways to bungle the premise, but it's also an easy blueprint for something fairly entertaining.

Quick Plot: Cassandra seems to be something of a drifter. After exiting a convenience store, paper bag-coated liquor bottle in hand, she's nearly attacked by a group of creeps before the well-trained Tessa steps (well, drop-kicks) in to save her. 

Some time later, the girls have a public breakup at a diner counter, where nearby patron Carter and his son Jackson look on. They invite Cassandra to join them, both for breakfast and a weekend celebration at a beach. With nowhere else to go, Cassandra happily agrees, meeting a few more attractive young women and greasy older men along the way. 

Naturally, this isn't the dream vacation any of the ladies imagined. See, Carter runs a Most Danger Game-esque committee that holds annual "hunts." Loads of wealthy misogynists spend a fair fortune to participate, whether by watching via livestream or shooting their own crossbows. Young Jackson is embarking on his first entry into the game, and while he's eager to please his alpha toxic male dad, he also clearly has a budding conscience (also, most likely, a lack of sexual interest in women). 

Cassandra is resourceful, and soon enough, we piece together exactly how she ended up in that diner at just the right time. Still, there are several other women without quite the same level of preparation who might not fare as well as the game gets going. 

Despite boasting a batch of somewhat famous faces (including two that are identical), Hunt Club was clearly a low budget effort...I hope. Director Elizabeth Blake-Thomas doesn't show much skill with staging her action, while David Lipper and John Saunders' script offers little surprise. 

It's not, objectively speaking, a good movie. But Mena Suvari makes for a very watchable lead, and the film seems to want to not be overly exploitive of its female victims (whether it succeeds is a different question). My standards for movies like these is on a very loose floating scale. 

High Points

I don't know whose decision it was to have most of the cast dress like they're living in the 1970s, but it adds some visual flair, so I'll take it

Low Points

This is an 80-minute movie that still drags. That's never a good thing

Lessons Learned

To become a man, recognize your moral compass

A gentleman's word is his bond

"Garden variety vigilante" is the new "virgin who can't drive"

The Scariest Thing About This Movie:

HOW CAN YOU PUT BOTH OF THEM IN ONE MOVIE AND EXPECT ME TO TELL THEM APART?

For years, I actually just gave up and assumed Jason and Jeremy London were just one person. This movie doesn't have a big enough budget to Parent Trap those twin shots, so if nothing else, this movie succeeded in officially killing my conspiracy theory

Rent/Bury/Buy

I've seen far worse than movies with this same plot than Hunt Club. With quick turns by the likes of Mickey Rourke, this isn't a total waste of time, but it's really only suitable for those whose standards are, well, low enough to be mine. Find it on Amazon (or don't; I mean you probably shouldn't).

Mommy Lightest

It cannot be said, nay SCREAMED, enough.

Judith Light is, and has always been, a national treasure. 

Quick Plot: Because director Bill Corcoran (last seen here with the Tara Reid screamer Vipers) loves us, we open on a sexy closeup of Ms. Light's lips purring out a beautiful first line:

What she doesn't specify is that the object of her affections was Nick, her grown son and only source of joy in Diana's life. She loves this young man so much that she wakes him up with a freshly frosted cake for his birthday. She loves him so much that she attends his court hearing and cheers him on as he loses. She loves him so much that she seduces his would-be landlord so the pending rental agreement can be nullified, meaning Nick has no other choice but to stay in Mom's house. 

It's, you know, not a very healthy relationship.

Furious when he realizes he's stuck at home, Nick packs his bags to crash with a friend, only for Jane to respond with a suicide attempt. She survives, and unwittingly leaves Nick even further away: he strikes a romance with hospital nurse Abby, who, as predicted by the cynical Diana, quickly gets pregnant. 

Diana tries everything to break up the young couple: faking prostitution records for Abby's background, hiring (and stiffing) an unhoused man to annul the marriage, and finally, paying off a pair of goons to just murder the poor girl. 

That wraps us back to the framing device of Diana's narration, coming from inside a jail cell because naturally, she's caught. But sweet Nick can't believe that his mother would do such a thing and in an act of true law and disorder, agrees to represent his own unstable mother in the murder trial of his own dead pregnant wife.

My gosh do I miss the era of making TV movie posters look like VC Andrews' book covers

Don't worry: the film has already established that Nick isn't a very good attorney.

Still, this is a wild, wild last act. Too Close to Home is based on the true story of a case I won't explain in detail as it may spoil the ending. But if this is your kind of jam, then spread it. Spread it well.

High Points

Seriously, I can never say enough good words about Judith Light. This is obviously a soap opera of a TV movie, but Light knows exactly how to command the camera as a juicy, needy sociopath

Low Points

It's inevitable in a movie light this, but there's simply no way Rick Schroder can summon the kind of obsession Diana has for him in Light's hands. Both Ricky and Nick are simply outmatched

Lessons Learned

A good son keeps an 8 x 10 glamour shot of his mother framed on his work desk

In the '90s, collies made excellent police dogs

Most girls don't dream of being proposed to the night that their boyfriends present falsified documentation of their past as sex workers

Rent/Bury/Buy

Too Close to Home is gloriously ripped from the headlines made-for-TV trash. I say that as a compliment. Find it on Peacock when you feel too clean. 

Sharks On a Plane

We've talked about this before. 

Nobody wants to watch an obnoxious film character mistreat a flight crew. 

I don't care if said awful passenger and exhausted flight attendant become friends after working together to survive a plane crash and several shark attacks. We. Don't. Want. This.

But a plane crash + shark attack movie? I'll allow it.

Quick Plot: Ava, the college-aged daughter of a governor, is heading to Cabo with boyfriend Jed, insufferable pal Kyle, and bodyguard Brandon (I can't explain why, but "bodyguard Brandon" sounds incredibly off to my ears). Also on their half-full flight is a happily married couple escorting their grandaughter Rosa and her teddy bear Mr. Tibbs, and the aforementioned putupon flight attendant Danilo.

Yes, there are others in the air, but they're all going to die very quickly in a plane crash that feels very indebted to Alive. 

The plane lands deep in the ocean but follows the The Concord...Airport '79. science of positioning itself in an air pocket. The survivors are temporarily relieved at their luck, but know their oxygen supply is limited, their structural integrity questionable, and most upsetting, some shark attacks imminent. 

That's a great idea for a movie. The final product doesn't quite deserve it, but 90 minutes of being trapped underwater with broken limbs and hungry tiger sharks can't not be entertaining enough.

Written by Andy Mayson (he of many financial officer credits before shifting to producer credits for the related 47 Meters Down) and directed by Hollow Man II's Claudio Fah, No Way Up seems to also follow the Airport school of near incompetence in its first act--ALWAYS SET IN AN AIRPORT--before finding its feet once the plane gets moving. The first twenty minutes saw my finger hover over the 'stop' button on my remote thinking, "I have better things to do with my life than watch mediocre actors deliver genuinely bad dialogue." 

Thankfully, No Way Up improves immensely once its action kicks in. The plane crash is brutal, the looming sharks cheekily intimidating, and the constant threat of suffocation (more in theory than onscreen). Its (unfortunate) central trio of young characters range from bland to irritating, but Phyllis Logan, Grace Nettle, and Manuel Pacific give sympathetic performances that helped keep me somewhat emotionally invested, even if I was still mostly on the side of the tiger sharks. 

High Points

With its brisk running time, No Way Up wisely keeps itself moving. For that we should all be thankful

Low Points

I understand it's a rule of movie young people that every friend group includes one obnoxious asshole, but that doesn't ever mean it's needed or entertaining

Lessons Learned

Never have breakfast at a burger joint with a fitness-obsessed coworker

Sharks hate nothing more than bubbles

Extra fries and exercise are not interchangeable

Rent/Bury/Buy

No Way Up isn't a very good movie, but once it gets going, it mostly delivers exactly what you need from this genre (plane crash + shark, obviously). It's currently on Shudder.

The Title Says It All

Caregiving for an aging parent is a fertile subject for horror. The wonderfully rich Relic did an incredible job of exploring that kind of responsibility in a deep, loving, and also terrifying way. Today's feature doesn't fair so well.

Quick Plot: Louise and Michael return to their childhood farm home to help see their ill father through his last days. Their mother, who has spent the last several years tending to his bedside, is less than thrilled with their visit. After just one day together, she slices off her own fingers as easily as chopping carrots before hanging herself from the barn ceiling. 

The siblings are upset, and also confused. How could their mother do such a thing, both emotionally and physically. Her diary reveals some obsession with demons, while the coroner discovers a handful of crosses in her pockets. Both Michael and Louise's troubles grow worse as they begin to hallucinate horrific visions surrounding their dying father and already dead mother.

What follows is the It school of false scares. Mind you, director Bryan Bertino actually crafts these sequences quite well, but it becomes very clear after the first CGI spider that we're in for a good 30 minutes of characters witnessing something terrifying, screaming, then opening their eyes to normalcy just as another character enters the frame. 

It gets a bit old, especially when there's not much else to hold our attention. Much like Bertino's The Strangers, The Dark and the Wicked is a very glum film. The lighting is dark, the characters are sad, and our never explained demon lacks a shred of a sense of humor. 

I have no problem with a horror film taking itself seriously. I'd much rather a director commit to the genre than undercut their storytelling with tonal shifts. But there's just nothing to really hold onto with The Dark and the Wicked. I found myself thinking a lot about Antlers, a completely unrelated, equally dour film of recent years. Both are decently executed movies about terrible things happening to unhappy people in a miserable place (though the baby goats are very cute). That's fine if the actual scares add up to something effective. For me, they just, well, added up.

High Points

I can't say this enough: The Dark and the Wicked is a good film (even if I didn't like it), and a good chunk of that comes from Marin Ireland's performance as Louise. I wish I knew WHO SHE ACTUALLY WAS as a character by the script, but the actress does a whole lot of work to make up for that

Low Points

I guess this goes into spoiler territory, although there's no actual reveals so is that even possible? Anyway, the more I think about the demon's process of tearing this family apart, the dumber The Dark and the Wicked ultimately feels. This is a demon that makes prank calls to strangers to make Louise feel bad, then uses a simulation of Louise to drive an acquaintance to suicide. It creates an elaborate tableau for Michael so he has no choice but to slit his own throat, and then flicks it away with a job well done. Then it just brutally kills goats on its own (well, in fairness, maybe Bertino just cut a scene where Louise's apparition appeared to a the herd and encouraged them to slaughter themselves). There are no rules, there is no logic, and I'm left feeling if the writer/director doesn't care, why should I?

Lessons Learned

Listen to your mother

Few things are cuter than baby goats

If your week has been filled with hallucinations that are quickly proved to be just that, maybe wait two minutes before making a rash decision based off a visual display that seems incredibly shocking and unbelievable

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Dark and the Wicked is a well-made film. I just happened to hate it. It's cruel in a way I found simply unpleasant, though I could easily understand why this would work very well for many a horror fan. Make up on your own mind via Shudder.